Hindsight

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So I write this in hindsight.. knowing that actually I have to blog about all that’s going on.  2017 so far hasn’t been the best, it’s fair to say.  It should have been. It should have been amazing.

It started with a New Years party at the Rugby Club.  I was on a break from my long term boyfriend yet again.  We had been together several years. but since moving to the west midlands it has been a rocky ride.  So I met someone else, but all the time I couldn’t help comparing him with Dave. (Thats Dave my ex boyfriend and not my ex husband!)  Sorry – all very confusing.  Anyway, New Years eve I got a text from Dave to say he was missing me.    I wont go into detail but the next few weeks saw us back together and things were going really well.

This was the year of my Sabbatical, 3 months off to spend time in London with family as well as go away to Sweden for a few days and to have a period of time in South Africa, looking at a piece of work my friend Jane was doing to encourage black women to courageously take their part in church life and step up to their calling.

Again – I could say so much but there’s no point.  Time in London with the family and seeing both Daves (that’s both my ex husband and boyfriend) was most pleasant.  A chance to catch up with may old friends and also to attend my old church and get involved in Holiday club. (that proved to be a little problematic but that is also irreverent now!).

It was lovely to be close to my boyfriend and to have loads of time together,  We enjoyed good times, food, laughter, fun and again began to talk about the future.  He assured me everything would be different soon – well he was most certainly right about that!

After month in London Dave came back to the midlands with me.  He had been working really long hours and was very tired.  We went to a BBQ with friends who recommended he goes to the Doctors when he gets back into London, he assured us he was just over cooking it.  The thing about being a chef is the shifts are far too long and at 55, as he said he hasn’t got the stamina he had hen he was 30.  That weekend I just let him rest a lot. Let him lie in, took him breakfast in bed, cancelled plans to go out as he wasn’t really up for it.    I was concerned he was so poorly but was delighted he had come back with me as it was difficult leaving the family after a month and coming home to an empty house.

Our weekend together flew past as they always did when he visited.  Soon it was Sunday night and I drove to the train station, talked about our holiday in a few weeks time, when I returned from South Africa, and some more time away together in October to Malta or Greece.  Nothing booked yet,  we can do that when I get back from South Africa.  We hugged and kissed goodbye, and he was gone – again.  I text him usually I love you xx, he responded with the usually I love you two xx.   Several hours later I sent him “I miss you like Crazy!”  He saw that but never replied.

It was five days till I flew out to South Africa.  Dave never text again.  He didn’t return my calls, didn’t even respond to my long erratic voicemail messages. So I concluded he had done it again, gave up on us, just like last year.   I was gutted, really thought things were better now, thought we would be ok.  He had asked me to marry him again, always with the same comment “I don’t know when, but I promise it will happen”.

Anyway I don’t want to get bogged down in all this, sad to say Dave had a heart attack and died on the Birmingham to London v Virgin train on Sunday evening 23 April.  Somewhere between Rugby and Euston.    A journey I made myself only last week, with tears still flowing for the man I loved.  When his heart stopped my heart broke.  My family and his family demonstrated love and grace to me and we were able to say our goodbyes together, for which I am so grateful.

So that’s 2017! – well no, it doesn’t end there.  Six months later I was diagnoses with Breast Cancer and to be honest that’s what this blog is all about.  Loosing Dave simply sets 2017 in context, its not been a good year to say the least!

 

 

 

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